Secrets to a Successful Marriage

My name is Laura Gutjahr.

I grew up believing that there was one special person out there and I just needed to find him.  Fate would ensure that our paths crossed at the right time.  We would live happily ever after.

Over time I realized that finding a partner had a lot more to do with personal choices than fate.  I had to figure out what my life goals were and find someone who shared similar goals and had similar values.  I also needed that person to be my friend.  This involved a lot more work than my original theory.

I've been happily married for 22 years and offer the following relationship advice:

Expect a lot from your partner - and give at least as much in return.

Always treat your partner as if he were your best friend, he should be.

Don't stop working on your relationship - if you do it will end.

Perks of Being Single, Perks of Being in a Relationship

The Perks of Being in a Relationship in College
1. Stability. Having a constant partner in your life
2. Don't have to worry about impressing the opposite sex
3. No pressure to worry about the antics of hookups and dating
4. Someone to share Valentine's Day with
5. A person to listen to you, to lean on
6. Presents

The Perks of Being Single in College
1. Your time is completely your own
2. No guilty feelings about flirting
3. More incentive to get slimmer, fitter, etc.
4. Freedom to experiment with many people
5. Not having to answer to anyone
6. Nobody to argue with, no jealous feelings

What Do Love & Romance Look Like?

Personally, I don't feel that we could ever describe love using one picture. However, I do think it is interesting the things you find when you Google Image search "Love". The pictures are inspiring, gentle, sensitive, and sometimes beautiful. I've included a bunch of pictures I found online that attempt to capture love and romance at their finer moments. The awesome sources I found these pictures at are listed directly below the image. 

http://callitaweasel.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/sailor-kiss1.jpg

http://absolutelybeautifulthings.blogspot.com/

http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20004997_20002095,00.html

http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/  

http://keturahweathers.theworldrace.org/?filename=og-love

Feature: Short Story, Finding the Right Love for your Life

For this entry I wrote a shortened version of a longer story I wrote about finding love in your life. Let me know what you think!

I am convinced that Derek and I were meant to be long before I figured it out. I am not sure how he knew, but from the second he spotted me he made it clear that he would make me his. After nights of back-to-school shopping and lots of telephone conversations, he stated with an almost comical authority that soon we would be dating.

My boyfriend at the time was nice. His name is Cody, the same name as the surfer on my favorite TV show. When I met him I was overwhelmed with his impressive collection of honors and awards. Best looking in his class, homecoming king, captain of the football team. I liked the idea of him so much that I did everything in my power to make us click.

Derek, on the other hand, was completely unreachable. Two years older, attended college in Virginia, seven hours away. His award to show was class procrastinator. He was the class clown in high school; played forward for the soccer team but more often skipped out. I disliked the idea of him, but I couldn’t help but realize that we clicked.

I was left with the decision between star athlete and class procrastinator. But there was something about Derek that I couldn’t help but be excited about. The way he looked at me when he was unlocking the door, getting out of my car on a hot summer day. The cowlick on the right side of his hairline. And there was something bigger- a deeper connection that I, to this day, cannot put my finger on.

“Alyssa I forgot my CD in your car, can you come drop it off?”

I rolled my eyes, not surprised by his spontaneous phone call. I pondered his question for a few minutes. I was leaving for tennis camp the next morning and wasn’t sure I had time. But it would only take two minutes. And I otherwise wouldn’t get the chance to see him before I left. As I pulled in the driveway, I saw Derek waiting on the front step. I stepped out of the car, his CD in hand. He walked over, took the CD, and tossed it right into the garbage pail.

“What did you do that for?!” I said in exasperation, staring at the garbage in disbelief as I heard the CD clunk against each side.

“I knew it was the only way I’d be able to get you here,” he said, laughing. “Let’s go talk.”

  I wish I could write a story that includes every moment: not only the ones of confusion, stress, tears over my decision, the many tactics I used to stall and search for an easy way out, but also the moments of pure innocent happiness and untouchable love that came from the action of risking it all.

When I decided to break things off with Cody, it had been two months. The only thing I can say I walked away with was the fan he gave me as a one-month anniversary gift. It stands at the foot of my bed today. I knocked on his newly painted white door amidst the quiet, desolate cul-de-sac. The look on his face was unreadable. He led me up the familiar steps to his bedroom. The only part of his house I had come to know. I sat down on the comfortable bed that I considered staying with him for. It’s really the little things. I looked at the ceiling and told him in the most confusing, muddled way possible that I liked Derek. I didn’t dare glance up at his reaction until several minutes of silence had passed. Once I gathered the courage to look into his eyes, they were clouded. I had never made a boy cry before. That I knew of. He opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it. I was not sure if I wanted to know.

“I love you,” he mumbled. He was looking straight into my eyes, waiting for my response. And I lied.

“You too,” I said, staring intently at the ceiling. And in that moment I wanted more than anything to make him happy again. For him to stop crying, for him to grab my cheeks again and tickle me until I was begging for mercy, tangled in the comforter.  I did not think about my own happiness, about the decision I had decided to make and then abruptly taken back. I thought about glossing over the problem, putting it off for a later point in time. I frantically called to mind the qualities I liked in him. His homecoming king trophy. His picture in the yearbook.

And I caved. For another month I dealt with his qualities that I hated. I dealt with being called sweetie every 10 seconds of my life. I dealt with his annoying habit of eating with his mouth open and chasing his “kitty” around the house. I lied often, mostly to myself.

But I was upset. More upset than rational for a girl with a boyfriend who was captain of the football team. I fret over my current situation until I realized that Cody and I were finished. The day that I had attempted to break up with him, he had asked me to do him one favor. Only stay in it if I was willing to give 100 percent. So I broke it off for good. I have not regretted it since.

Because of that decision, instead of gritting my teeth each time Cody asked me to pet kitty with him, fake smiling through moments that he considered exceptional, lying to make him believe that I felt the exact same way as he did, I spend my time with Derek.

I spend my time baking rocky road shortbread cookies with him. Even though every batch comes out horrible in its own way, we dance around the kitchen to Christmas music because it is November and we are too in love to care. We try to watch movies but become too distracted by each other to watch more than half. I spend my time playing DDR with his sister while he makes fun of me and pinches my leg from the couch. We lie in bed and laugh about something no one else would ever laugh about until my stomach hurts and he is too tired to pick his head up. He makes me a plate of the best junk food that is the most calories and spends 20 minutes arranging them in a pretty order. If only the paper plate were prettier. If only anything on the plate could compare to him in the smallest way.

He sits and watches me taste test every item and interviews me about my feelings toward each. He pays attention to my every detail until he cannot take it but to tickle me till my empty plate falls to the dorm floor.  

I figured out that in my life, that is what love is. The product of listening to my heart instead of my mind. Admittedly, he’s not perfect. Sometimes he stumbles and sometimes he forgets. He takes jokes too far and winds up apologizing. But he makes me happy. Love is what came of risking perfection to experience perfect happiness. 

College Co-Ed Friendships & "Hook-up" Culture

There is a lack of a dating scene on Lehigh’s campus, and among college students it seems that there are fewer relationships than there are random dates and hookups. An article in the Brown and White refers to this as the “hookup culture.” 

I realized early on in my freshman year that it can be difficult to have a boyfriend on a college campus, where meeting guys at parties usually does not result in friendship and guys do not seem to care about your relationship status. It can be really hard to maintain guy friends when guys seem to only care about being more than friends. It can also be difficult when guys do not even want to talk to you because they know you are in a relationship.

When meeting a guy at a party, they really only seem to have one thing in mind. Friendships that cross the sex barrier do not seem to bloom from parties. However, can you blame them?  I have found that meeting guys through group projects, class work, or in your living quarters can actually result in a good friendship. There is hope that girls and guys can have friendships in college, I am definitely not trying to discount that.

For single girls, it seems really easy to find someone to hook up with on campus. I have seen that a lot of people are willing to have random hookups, and although the extent of these hookups may vary, they occur all the time.

Is there a reason for this? Is it because college students are not interested in commitment at this stage in their lives? Is it because they’re not meeting the right people? 

I found a really awesome article about the hookup culture on CNN's site. It talks about the negatives of hooking up, no strings attached, and the empty feeling that students may feel afterward. Apparently, there is a lack of satisfaction after a hookup that the article explains really well. 

Please comment if you have any insight on this article!

Long Distance Relationships: Interview

http://bit.ly/9vAQBi

For today's blog, I interviewed Angelica Halat, twitter name AngelicaLehigh, about her experience in a two year, long distance relationship. Her boyfriend attends school 300 miles away from Lehigh.







How often do you see your boyfriend?
Probably once a month

How do you feel during the time in between seeing him?
I get really jealous when I see other couples around campus, but we text all day and we talk on the phone a lot, so it helps the days past more quickly.

Has the distance led to any problems in your relationship?
Problems have happened once or twice just because we are so far away, so it can be difficult to discuss any issues we may be having. Some issues are stemmed from frustrations over us not being together.

What is the hardest part about being in a long distance relationship?
Just that I can't see him during a regular day. I can't just get lunch with him during the day like other girls can.

What are some ways you deal with this?
We have video chat dates, long phone calls, texting.

Does distance make the time you spend with him more special?
Now I appreciate the time I have with him, and do not nitpick over little things.

Advice for any couples in a long distance relationship?
Don't let the distance discourage you. Pick your battles and communicate.

Sports and Dating, According to Him.

My name is Andrew Baran, twitter name abaran19, and I will be writing this post as a guest today. I am currently in a two year relationship, and I am writing to you today about the role of sports in a relationship.

Look, a lot of dudes like sports. Period. No if ands or buts about it. And for the most part, your girlfriend may not be most willing to spend 8 hours tailgating in the frigid cold prior to a Buffalo Bills game. But that doesn't mean that one should shun their girlfriend away from their world of sports. Here are a few tips as to how you can get your girlfriend to enter this world.

1. Games on TV can be boring as all hell, but there is nothing like being at a game. Sports like hockey, basketball and football are fast-paced and always keep your eyes on the game. There are hits, fights, dunks, touchdowns and screaming fans. Bring your girlfriend to a game, show her what makes you that crazy fan that you are. Teach her the chants, players names and rules if she isn't familiar with them.

2. Try to purchase her a shirt or hat just to remind her of who she is following. This will give her a sense of  belonging and might even get her interested in keeping up with the team throughout the duration of the season, not just when you attend or watch games.

3. Some people don't understand what it takes to become a professional in a particular sport. Why not introduce the game to your girlfriend. Throw that pigskin a few yards, lace up some skates and knock the puck around. If you're feeling good, shoot some hoops. Not only is this a good way to show her how hard it is to do things that professionals make look so easy; it will intrigue her and keep her curious as to what other highlights the pros can produce.

So, there is no need to separate sports from your relationship. Whether it causes fights, arguments or misunderstandings, when you both are fascinated by the play at hand, it's all about love of the game.

Long Distance Relationships

This topic is especially close to my heart, since I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years now. My boyfriend and I see each other about once a month, but we definitely make do and work out any issues as soon as they happen. Here are a few tips for staying in love, even when your relationship spans hundreds or thousands of miles.

1. Make time for each other. Make sure you schedule communication. In the beginning, it is hard to know when the other person will be free, when you will be free, etc. Let your partner know whenever you have time to talk, and see if they have time to talk then too. Once your relationship grows and gets used to the distance, talking to each other at certain times will become routine. Don't rely on texting for all communication. Make sure to talk on the phone or video chat whenever possible.

2. Don't suffocate each other through technology. Even though you may miss your partner, don't forget you have to live your life in the place you are physically at as well. Make sure not to forget about the world around you, becoming so wrapped up in video chat conversations and phone calls. It's all about creating a balance. Living your life, and giving your partner attention at the same time.

3. Problems can really fester when you're apart. Make sure to maintain open communication. Do not hold anger or frustration toward your partner inside. Air any concerns you are having, and let your partner know what you're thinking so you two are on the same page.

4. Don't get frustrated with your partner because you miss him/her. It is surprisingly a very easy thing to do. You're upset that you miss one another, and you started getting mad at each other or picking fights to get each other's attention. Think about what you are doing, and the reasons why you are upset.

5. Be trusting. It is easy to get jealous if your partner begins talking about other people, going places with new friends, hanging out with the opposite sex, etc. Have trust. Your partner feels the same way about the people you have been talking about. Just try to put things into perspective. Don't restrict your partner. Think about your partner's intentions and your own intentions. Be confident enough in your relationship to trust each other.

6. Plan visits. If possible, plan visits when you can see each other. This will give you both something to look forward to together, and will make it a lot easier to get through the days without each other.

Arguing Differently, How it Applies to Relationships

For this post, I will talk a little bit more about my previous post concerning Arguing Differently. If you'd like to find out a little more about this class and what I learned in it, here is a link to something my professor, Barry Kroll, wrote about the class and the ideas he presented in the class.

One of the most interesting stories told in the class, in my opinion, was one concerning an orange. Two children are fighting over an orange. Both children want the orange, but there is only one. The children do not listen to each other or try to talk to each other about why they want the orange. The mother comes in, takes the orange, and cuts it in half. She gives half to one child and the other half to the other child. Little did any of them know that one child wanted the peel from the orange, and the other wanted the juice. Both children could have gotten what they wanted if they had only listened to one another, and found out the reasoning behind each other's desires.

When in a relationship, it is really important to understand why your partner is upset, and what their motivation is. When you are arguing about something, find out why the other person is holding the point of view he/she has. If you take the time to listen to your partner, you can avoid fights or solve them by truly understanding each other.

A song that came to mind when writing this post is We Can Work it Out, by The Beatles

Bethlehem Valentine's Day Spots

   There is a wide range of local restaurants having Valentine’s Day specials this year. Some of the more expensive options for couples are 1741 on the Terrace (a part of Hotel Bethlehem), The Melting Pot and Starfish Brasserie.

            1741 on the Terrace has a special preset menu available from Feb. 11 until Feb. 14. Lou Czechowski will be playing piano, creating a romantic atmosphere for guests. It will be $55 per person for dinner. Guests can choose from the preset menu or reduced a la carte. However, according to Cody VanSumeren, administrative assistant at 1741 on the Terrace, the restaurant caters to a middle age crowd.

            This year the Melting Pot is having a special dinner on Valentine’s Day only. They are accepting reservations from now until Feb. 13, but according to employee Alene Kuhns the restaurant has already taken a lot of reservations for their special dinner. Their dinner is a four-course feature, set at $140 per couple with a new $130 double date option.

Although this meal is on the expensive side, the restaurant stresses that they take extra measures to ensure your dinner makes for a “fairy-tale” evening.

            Starfish Brasserie is also offering a four-course meal for couples on Valentine’s Day, and they are taking reservations now. A dinner for two is set at $90.

            If you are looking for a less expensive but still nice and enjoyable option, Blue Sky Cafe, Apollo Grill and The Bookstore Speakeasy are having special Valentine’s dinners as well.

            Blue Sky Cafe is doing a reservation-only dinner event on Feb. 14. The restaurant will be having a four-course dinner, and it is a bring-your-own alcohol restaurant. Guests should expect to be at the restaurant for an hour and a half to eat this special dinner, which last year hosted an audience of about half Lehigh students and half middle age crowd.

“We go all out for Valentine’s dinner. We have fun cooking it,” said employee Tabitha Petrecz. “It’s a great atmosphere and we try to make it as romantic as possible.” Their Valentine’s menu is on their Facebook page. The meal will be set at $35 per person, and they will be taking reservations until Feb. 13 for their 5-8:30 p.m. time slot.

Apollo Grill is not offering any specials, just their regular full menu. However, they are offering the Sweetheartini drink they offer every year for Valentine’s Day only.  Although they are closed Sunday and Monday, they are taking reservations from the Valentine’s Day crowd for Friday and Saturday.

“We get an eclectic group of people. It’s pretty cool. We see a lot of Lehigh students throughout the year, and we definitely get couples that come in for Valentine’s Day,” said Apollo employee Rachel Griffith.

For any couple looking for a more unique Valentine’s Day experience, the Bookstore Speakeasy in South Bethlehem is having a four-course cocktail meal pairing. The lead singer of their house band will be performing solo and playing the piano. According to owner Conor Sheridan McAndrew, the restaurant gets an eclectic group of people coming to their special events. Call within the next few days to make reservations. 

Best Valentine's Day Gifts for your partner

Best Valentine's Day Gifts


For Women:
Jewelry
Build-a-bear (if you haven't already gotten her one)
Make her a scrapbook (if your relationship is far enough along)
Dinner date (something thoughtful that your date will enjoy)
Chocolates (custom M&Ms, make your own with an "I love you" saying on them, ordered through the website. But make sure to do this now!!!)
Flowers

For Men:
Tickets
Sports apparel
Electronics (iPad, iPod touch, new phone, GPS)
Wallet
Hat
Cologne
A watch

Argue Differently with your partner

Do you find that you and your significant other are arguing a lot?

My first semester freshman year, I took a class called Arguing Differently. The class changed my perspective on arguing. I have gotten in fewer arguments and helped others get out of disagreements because of the insights I gained in this class.

Here are some main take-away points I learned throughout the course that apply to disagreements and problems in relationships:

1. When you are first irritated about something, ask yourself why you are irritated. What is bothering you about what your significant other did/said/didn’t do/didn’t say? Narrow down why you are upset so that you can communicate this to your partner. If you tell your partner that something is bothering you and act mad at him/her, if they don’t understand why their action upset you they may not be willing to steer clear of doing that in the future.

2. Communication, Communication, Communication. If you are upset that your partner has not answered your text message in ten hours, and then they casually text you as if nothing happened, do not attack. If you, in turn, don’t answer them for ten hours back, what do you get out of this? No communication, and your partner may not even know why. Your relationship is not a game. Giving them a taste of their own medicine can really backfire. Instead, ask the person why he/she didn’t answer you. What were they doing that they couldn’t talk, or didn’t want to talk? Tell them that it upset you, and you wished they would just tell you next time beforehand that they’re bogged down with work, etc. so you’re not left to wonder. This goes for any situation. Do not assume.

3. Listen actively. Listening to your partner in an argument is extremely important. If both people are not listening to each other and only waiting for a moment to yell their own side, then both people are getting absolutely nothing across to each other, and the argument just will not end. If you are not taking the time to listen to the other person, most likely they are not taking the time to listen to you. Listening is an active process. While listening, try to understand where your partner is coming from. If both of you listen actively during an argument, a compromise will much more easily be reached and peace will finally ensue.

4. Clear the air of potential misunderstandings prior to an argument. So many needless fights happen due to misunderstandings. Especially with technology today, it is easy to misread a text. Be sure to first make sure you’re understanding a situation before immediately jumping to conclusions and getting upset with your partner.

5. Do not let things fester. Air your frustrations, but at the same time pick your fights. If you are constantly getting in arguments over little things, start to pick your fights. Do not tell your partner every single thing he/she has done wrong. Let the little things go, they are not worth the fight. However, if there is something your partner does that really upsets you, do not hold your frustrations inside. They will only end up getting to you and building up until there is an outburst and it turns into a bigger deal than it should be.

My main point is that in a relationship in arguments, both partners want to win. I want my boyfriend to see that I am right. But at the end of the argument, what does the winner actually win? An upset boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse? An ego-booster? Is it worth the argument? In a relationship, if someone “wins” both people lose. The relationship loses.