Argue Differently with your partner

Do you find that you and your significant other are arguing a lot?

My first semester freshman year, I took a class called Arguing Differently. The class changed my perspective on arguing. I have gotten in fewer arguments and helped others get out of disagreements because of the insights I gained in this class.

Here are some main take-away points I learned throughout the course that apply to disagreements and problems in relationships:

1. When you are first irritated about something, ask yourself why you are irritated. What is bothering you about what your significant other did/said/didn’t do/didn’t say? Narrow down why you are upset so that you can communicate this to your partner. If you tell your partner that something is bothering you and act mad at him/her, if they don’t understand why their action upset you they may not be willing to steer clear of doing that in the future.

2. Communication, Communication, Communication. If you are upset that your partner has not answered your text message in ten hours, and then they casually text you as if nothing happened, do not attack. If you, in turn, don’t answer them for ten hours back, what do you get out of this? No communication, and your partner may not even know why. Your relationship is not a game. Giving them a taste of their own medicine can really backfire. Instead, ask the person why he/she didn’t answer you. What were they doing that they couldn’t talk, or didn’t want to talk? Tell them that it upset you, and you wished they would just tell you next time beforehand that they’re bogged down with work, etc. so you’re not left to wonder. This goes for any situation. Do not assume.

3. Listen actively. Listening to your partner in an argument is extremely important. If both people are not listening to each other and only waiting for a moment to yell their own side, then both people are getting absolutely nothing across to each other, and the argument just will not end. If you are not taking the time to listen to the other person, most likely they are not taking the time to listen to you. Listening is an active process. While listening, try to understand where your partner is coming from. If both of you listen actively during an argument, a compromise will much more easily be reached and peace will finally ensue.

4. Clear the air of potential misunderstandings prior to an argument. So many needless fights happen due to misunderstandings. Especially with technology today, it is easy to misread a text. Be sure to first make sure you’re understanding a situation before immediately jumping to conclusions and getting upset with your partner.

5. Do not let things fester. Air your frustrations, but at the same time pick your fights. If you are constantly getting in arguments over little things, start to pick your fights. Do not tell your partner every single thing he/she has done wrong. Let the little things go, they are not worth the fight. However, if there is something your partner does that really upsets you, do not hold your frustrations inside. They will only end up getting to you and building up until there is an outburst and it turns into a bigger deal than it should be.

My main point is that in a relationship in arguments, both partners want to win. I want my boyfriend to see that I am right. But at the end of the argument, what does the winner actually win? An upset boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse? An ego-booster? Is it worth the argument? In a relationship, if someone “wins” both people lose. The relationship loses.